Fix all the grammatical errors in the writing/ try to fix them
Possibly give narrator a name, not sure because giving a name to the narrator may make it feel like the reader is not in their shoes- if so edit the amount of “she” is placed in the story
Diversify the dialogue, give each character a bit more character to them so they sound different
Space out some of the dialogue to break it up a bit
Possibly add a backstory as to why the character is afraid of drop rides, I did a flashback story based off of this short story that could go in there, that would end up making it a 7 page story
Give Amelia a bit more character, she isn’t the narrator so the character could have more interaction with her
Have Amelia talk a bit more about how happy she is to be going on this ride and as to why she wasn’t able to go on this ride in the past
Describe the setting more, the heat of the line on the Summer day and the crowded people around them and how uncomfortable that makes the situation- aka makes the situation even worse because of the people around them
Maybe crying kids that get off the ride making the narrator have more anxiety/ or kids getting off the ride pleading to get on and makes the narrator guilty for having so much fear for the situation
I feel like peer review helped quite a bit with this process. The first time around I don’t know how much it helped because I felt restricted to only 2-3 pages. I ended up sending them 4 and knew that I wanted to add so much more than that, so the advice that they gave was very close to what I knew I already wanted to add. It was nice to know that they liked the start of the story so far, but other than that I didn’t find it as helpful as the second peer review process. One of the people reviewing ended up editing my whole story for me instead of just putting suggestions in, which helped a lot because I know I am very bad when it comes to grammatical errors. I have gone to SASC many times looking for help and I know that continues to be my biggest worry when it comes to writing. So thankfully they helped me out a lot. Because this was the second draft, I knew there wasn’t much more that I wanted to add in. Having suggestions on what to add to make it better helped me out quite a bit as well as spread my pages out. I am honestly very happy with the outcome, especially since it is based on true events of me and my best friend it makes it even more comical to me to write down just how hard a silly ride is for an adult to go on. It makes me feel even more assured that my peers were commenting saying they have had similar situations as an adult so it feels as if my writing can become more relatable because of that.
I did find it challenging at first on how to make it a bit longer. I found adding a bit of backstory to the best friend helped out quite a bit and that was a suggestion as well. I feel as if the longer the start of the story helps raise the anticipation and anxiety the character is having. I also decided to make it give off more anxiety with the amount of people around them and the heat beating down that didn’t give them personal space at all. These types of situations can in reality give more anxiety so I figured that when writing it that it could show more anxiety as well.